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Words from Forgiveness Coach, Eileen >>

Read from some of the many ARTICLES written by EILEEN EPPERSON.

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Forgiveness: A Case Of Mistaken Identity

Difficulty in forgiving stems from a misunderstanding about the nature of forgiveness, a "Case of Mistaken Identity." Forgiving can seem thorny when we think it concerns the other person or group. Forgiving benefits the forgiver. Forgiving does not let another "off the hook;" it does not mean we must renew a relationship or even talk to the other; it does not imply that what happened was not serious or painful. However, if this is the unexamined interpretation, forgiving can feel like a diminishment of one's experience or condoning behaviour. This can feel like compromising our integrity. Who would want to do that? . Read the full article here...

For audio version of this Article, click here

How Do Resentments Get Started? The Endless Loop

In 4 Steps...

  1. Something happens that you don't like
  2. You have an immediate feeling response: angry, surprised, disappointed, shocked, confused, upset, sad, fearful, etc.
  3. You give a meaning to the event and to the actions and blame the other for "making" you feel badly
  4. You rehearse this meaning mentally and/or aloud until very soon it becomes a "grievance story," which is an endless loop that goes nowhere but around and reinforces itself... There is no way out of this loop through the loop
Forgiving Too Soon

When we are hurt and angry and are in the middle of the feelings of hurt and betrayal, even talking about forgiveness may cut short natural, healthy responses. Feeling hurt and angry and talking through something, maybe several times as you are unearthing your feelings, is necessary and healing in order to move through the disruption.

When someone is in shock or angry and expressing it or crying or talking through something to "get" it, nothing is stuck. Forgiving has nothing to do with the other person; it is all about freeing the un-forgiver.

Where we get into a predicament is this. People usually, without much thought, connect forgiveness with an assumption that what we are saying if we forgive someone is that what that person did or did not do was ok, when it was not.

Forgiving is to "cease harboring resentment." When I am grieving and expressing and talking through something, I am moving through what I need to move through. I am not stuck; I am processing. IF I start rehashing the incident, either in my mind or aloud, I am doing the "ain't it awful and wasn't he terrible" routine. At this point, I am actually not feeling my feelings, anymore.

Here is the time to explore the idea of "harboring resentment" and what it may be costing me to hang on to my hurtful anger. I am no longer healing but perpetuating my sorrow.

Forgiveness Does Not...
  • Condone anything
  • Excuse any behavior
  • Mean you have to be friends
  • Mean you have to be in contact with the person or group
  • Make you vulnerable for more hurt
  • Mean you are now unprotected
  • Mean what happened was ok; it didn't hurt that much
  • Say they won and you lost
  • Mean that you cannot ask for amends later
  • Mean that you gave in

To read what the press say about Forgivess Coach Eileen, click here to view her Spiritual Center Coaching website.


website: the alternative office